Running out of Options

Hello out there!!

October was here.  Whether I liked it or not, it was time to be scanned.  My tumors had grown to about 2.4 centimeters.  I was terrified.  See the benefit of living this long is that you are still living; but as you continue to try all sorts of treatments the list of options to kill the bastard tumors shortens.  Surgery is not an option right now because there are too many tumors. I have 3 in my lungs.  The doctors do not want to do surgery until they know that it is the last option.  So the decided treatment was the antibody.  I mentioned this in a previous post; we had been waiting on the trial to open at NIH but since it had not opened yet there was really no telling when it would open.  The solution, get the antibody at the MAYO Clinic in Minnesota.  Compared to NIH, MAYO might as well be across the country.  When I first heard about having to go to MAYO for treatment I was extremely scared and upset. I was full of questions.

Would I be able to go back to school?
Will I ever finish school?
Will we be able to get it approved by insurance?
What if this treatment doesn't work?
Is this my last option?
What will the doctors be like?
...and more as I got deeper in my thoughts

I wrote a poem, because I write for therapy, about leaving for Minnesota but I can't find where I saved it.  I will post it when I find it.

It is around this time where I am really thinking all the wrong things.  A friend at the hospital, Maria, passed away. She was the sweetest little girl!!  Also, another one of my friends was not doing well at all.  I started to think that I was just waiting  for it to be my turn.  You can only see so much death before you start to get inside your own head too much.  It was a great help to talk to my roommates about the Minnesota thing. We all know how talking about things makes them smaller.  I didn't want to tell people that I could not stop thinking about my death because what would they say to that; they would be freaked out.  There is a fine line between too much information and keeping my friends in the loop. 

So once we did some digging, I got all my questions answered.  I would be able to continue school and would remain on track to graduate in December 2008.  The first and fourth month of treatment would have to be spent at MAYO but the other visits would only be for a couple days at a time.  I could not be more thankful for my teachers; they allowed me to continue with school as scheduled even though I had to miss so much. 

My friend Shirley had her baby!!!! A beautiful baby girl named Olivia.  This was much needed good news and gives me hope.  I will be excited to see the baby! 

I report to Minnesota in December for the first visit; excited and nervous to embark on this new place and treatment.