Ultimate Low

Hello out there!!

Thanksgiving, family, scans.

Thanksgiving was a little different this year because I did not see my family.  Usually Dan and I switch houses halfway through, but the timing was too close this year.  So, planning for my hip surgery in December, I spent Thanksgiving with his family and would spend Christmas with mine.  We spent 3 days down at his house.  I always love going there because I get a break from the hustle and bustle of NIH and home.

After Thanksgiving, before I returned to school, it was time to be scanned.  The results turned my world upside down.  The pet scanned showed I had something between my right lung and heart.  The area that lit up was about 6 inches long and was mind boggling.  The doctors weren't sure what it was. I never was convinced that it was tumor.  Ewing's does not usually go into the lymph nodes.  The doctors decided to test for all sorts of infections and see if anything came up.  When I left the room after hearing that news....I was lost.  Everything I have seen (with other patients) has brought me to this point....when it was my turn.  I could not escape the thoughts.  Usually when I get in my head I can flip a switch and go to something positive.....there was nothing.  I now had new tumors outside my lungs and right next to my heart. 

I had to return to school....try to finish the next 2-3 weeks.  I could not focus on anything.  I was waiting for my cultures to prove that it wasn't tumor....holding on to any hope I had left.  Ready to burst at any moment.  The doctors thought that it would be too difficult of an area to biopsy, so all we had to go off of were these tests.  Nothing grew....no crazy infections, nothing but cancer.  By the time the tests were done it was almost time for winter break, we decided that I would start chemo during break and be able to get 2 doses before I return to school in the spring.

Of course....when I didn't think it could get any worse....it did.  I got a call from my cousin at 5:00 in the morning on Wednesday, Dec 9th, asking if I had heard anything from my mom about my grandfather.  I immediately called my mom and she explained that he had had a major brain bleed and was in the hospital in a coma.  Her next words were "it isn't good".  Meanwhile, Frostburg had the first ice storm of the year....and we were a little snowed in.  I had to get home.  Dan shovelled me out and me and my cousin drove home.  2 and a half hours later I was walking through a hospital not as a patient...but as a victim.  I walked through the door of his room and it was like I hit a brick wall.  There he was, lying on the bed, hooked up to tubes.  I couldn't handle it...but I couldn't leave.  Drawn to the fact that I could still hold his hand...that he was still in the room....that I had to say my goodbyes.

Let me take a moment to tell you a little about my grandfather.

He was amazing!! Most people know, there is nothing like grandparent's love. Mine are no exception.  Granddad always told it like it was, and a relentless sweet tooth (which I now carry on).  The springs would bring golf and gardening.  He shot his age...77...a couple times actually.  He was one of the most influential people in my life.  I could talk about him for hours.  He passed away on December 12th, 2009.  I still wake up thinking he is here. 

Our family is strong....prepared.  We are used to battling through tough situations.  Would this be different?  Would this be too much?  I was numb by now, not really able to imagine things getting any worse. I told God that if he was planning anything else for me, to please give it to me now because I couldn't get knocked down more.  Things will always be hard, time does not make things go away; we just adjust our lives.  Whether adjusting means blocking the bad stuff out, or just staying distracted. 

But...as the pattern of my life goes....where there are downs...there are always ups. Little did I know what work Granddad would do up top!!!