Back to the Cancer Grind

Hello out there!

Well I was in the thick of it. School, treatment, love. I was a juggler of many things. People would always say how amazing I was for doing school while I was getting treatment. The way I see it, school is the one thing in my life that I can control. I can control how well I do, when I turn things in, how much of a social life I want to have. In the world of cancer I have to accept the fact that the only control I have is how I handle it. I can keep my positive attitude and my fight, but in the end I have no say. School is also an amazing distraction; otherwise I would be sitting at home just thinking all day long. We all know what happens when we think about problems too much. So right now I am in the second semester of my Sophomore year at Frostburg. I had taken a class during the summer to try to stay on track as much as possible.

It was February now. I was bald, chubby cheeked, and a little bitter. I don't know who I was bitter at, but someone. My friend Sean passed away and the news hit me like an 18 wheeler on the highway. Around the same time I found out that my friend Melody, who was only 4 or 5, also passed away. I went through a period where I felt very quiet. I was in my head a little. Not necessarily thinking negative thoughts, but every time someone around you passes away it makes you think about your life and what the "Big Plan" is for you. Frostburg winters do not help to alleviate depressing feelings either; but spring will come.

April is a great time in Frostburg. The weather gets nice again and people think they are on the beach. Everyone is outside cooking, drinking, playing games. People are happy again, well I am at least. Dan and I are about to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. I can't believe it, I know it will go on forever. My family came down to Dan's for Easter and met the extended family. It went great. I think for every Aunt and Uncle Dan has I have one that is just the same. Our families are perfect together.

Small world story: My grandfather used to live in DC when he was a kid. My grandfather is 1 of 9. The oldest of his sisters, Merle, knew Dans grandmother. They actually lived a couple blocks away from each other in DC. Funny huh?

As summer approached I got the news that another friend, Michael, had passed away. The same Michael that I wrote the rap with. I had been preparing myself for a while. When we think about it the amount of people that have lost the battle in our lives it scares me and my mom. I get filled with these emotions and I have no way to release them because, due to my transplant and GVH, I have no tears. It really makes the crying thing hard to do. Everything else is the same, I get flushed, I get sad, my nose gets runny, but then when it comes time to release it all with tears.....nothing. So then the emotion stays...bottled up...ready to be released like Pandora's Box at any moment. It is actually another one of the most annoying parts of this whole thing...I would rank this number 4 on the list. In order to release the stress I have started to work out. It is really nice to get active again.

School is almost done for summer now. Only a couple more weeks. I am really looking forward to the time with my family and dog. Though I like to balance a lot at one time...who doesn't like a break for a couple months. I will work and make money!! Who knows what is in store with treatment for the summer.