Hello out there!
Well I was in the thick of it. School, treatment, love. I was a juggler of many things. People would always say how amazing I was for doing school while I was getting treatment. The way I see it, school is the one thing in my life that I can control. I can control how well I do, when I turn things in, how much of a social life I want to have. In the world of cancer I have to accept the fact that the only control I have is how I handle it. I can keep my positive attitude and my fight, but in the end I have no say. School is also an amazing distraction; otherwise I would be sitting at home just thinking all day long. We all know what happens when we think about problems too much. So right now I am in the second semester of my Sophomore year at Frostburg. I had taken a class during the summer to try to stay on track as much as possible.
It was February now. I was bald, chubby cheeked, and a little bitter. I don't know who I was bitter at, but someone. My friend Sean passed away and the news hit me like an 18 wheeler on the highway. Around the same time I found out that my friend Melody, who was only 4 or 5, also passed away. I went through a period where I felt very quiet. I was in my head a little. Not necessarily thinking negative thoughts, but every time someone around you passes away it makes you think about your life and what the "Big Plan" is for you. Frostburg winters do not help to alleviate depressing feelings either; but spring will come.
April is a great time in Frostburg. The weather gets nice again and people think they are on the beach. Everyone is outside cooking, drinking, playing games. People are happy again, well I am at least. Dan and I are about to celebrate our 2 year anniversary. I can't believe it, I know it will go on forever. My family came down to Dan's for Easter and met the extended family. It went great. I think for every Aunt and Uncle Dan has I have one that is just the same. Our families are perfect together.
Small world story: My grandfather used to live in DC when he was a kid. My grandfather is 1 of 9. The oldest of his sisters, Merle, knew Dans grandmother. They actually lived a couple blocks away from each other in DC. Funny huh?
As summer approached I got the news that another friend, Michael, had passed away. The same Michael that I wrote the rap with. I had been preparing myself for a while. When we think about it the amount of people that have lost the battle in our lives it scares me and my mom. I get filled with these emotions and I have no way to release them because, due to my transplant and GVH, I have no tears. It really makes the crying thing hard to do. Everything else is the same, I get flushed, I get sad, my nose gets runny, but then when it comes time to release it all with tears.....nothing. So then the emotion stays...bottled up...ready to be released like Pandora's Box at any moment. It is actually another one of the most annoying parts of this whole thing...I would rank this number 4 on the list. In order to release the stress I have started to work out. It is really nice to get active again.
School is almost done for summer now. Only a couple more weeks. I am really looking forward to the time with my family and dog. Though I like to balance a lot at one time...who doesn't like a break for a couple months. I will work and make money!! Who knows what is in store with treatment for the summer.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Ah, The First Real Hump of the Roller Coaster
Hello out there!
When I returned from my vacation it was of course time to be scanned. I can almost guarantee that when I am done with something really fun it is time to visit NIH. This would be one of my first experiences with this fact. The scans showed that there was a small change in the tumor in my glute muscle and that there was a tumor in my right lung. Of course this is not what anyone wants to hear after just having an amazing vacation...but it is our reality and we can't run away from it. This would be the first scan since my transplant in January and we were all hopeful that the transplant was my ticket free. This is one dip in the longest roller coaster I know. The plan would be to start this pill that would help with GVH, which is an effect of the transplant where my body fights my sister's cells, hopefully the pill will also have some tumor effect. I will return to school and get scanned again in September.
Though with a low, of course, always comes a high. It was time again for Camp Fantastic. This year was just as good as the first. I got to ride a hot air balloon for the first time. It was nice to see everyone I had met last year, campers and counselors. This is the first time they would see me with hair. Some of them didn't even recognize me, understandable. I was rejuvenated by the end of the week. Ready to take on anything life threw. It is amazing what camp does, and it is indescribable to people who are not there.
When I returned to school me and 4 of my girlfriends rented the most beautiful house in Frostburg. It was the perfect place to live. Close to campus, great deck, it looked a little victorian. I made new best friends in that house. I think looking back on it these were my most favorite years, living in this house. Nothing beats watching American Idol or Grey's Anatomy all at the same time in the living room. Our Holiday parties. I really would live in that house again if I had the chance.
I decided to play volleyball again. I can not just sit back and watch yet. Though from the first practice I could tell a difference. It took a little while to accept that I would not be the same player I was 2 years ago. I still was mentally the same player but my body was not quite there anymore. It was great to play with the girls again, though most of the girls I had played with as a Freshman had graduated. I was not able to play the last 2 weeks of the season...the most important part...because I was having lung issues. I remember very clearly sitting on the sideline at Penn State Behrend and not being able to do a thing about what was happening. We ended up tying for 3rd at the end of conference play. I had the privilege of being awarded Comeback Player of the Year for the Fall sports. There was a nice assembly and it made the whole season end on a great note.
I was put on a high dose of prednisone because of my lung issues. Doctors were afraid that it was GVH in my lungs, which is very serious. I was on the steroids for close to 3 months. My body swelled like that girl who ate the blueberry gum in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but my legs got very skinny. This was the most uncomfortable I had ever been. Again another low point on the roller coaster. This would rank in the Top 2 most horrible moments in treatment (number 1 happens a little more down the road). I have never been self conscious about my body and to have all these changes happen to it within such a short amount of time was unbearable. I always felt people staring at me...I would stare at me if I saw me walking down the street. Worst time ever!
My dog Chemo was the best purchase we could have made. He is 7 months now and I have taught him all sorts of tricks. He knows how to sit, roll over, shake with both paws, twirl in a circle, speak, and play dead. Amazing I know. He really helps this whole situation. Always there for a hug or a kiss, ready to play with anything that moves, and can put a smile on your face instantly on a bad day. Hopefully one day I will be able to get him to be a therapy dog; though he gets nervous around kids because they are always pulling on him or chasing him.
It is January 2006 now. Because I was on steroids so long I now have bone issues. I can no longer run, jump, or fall. These 3 things being vital to the game of volleyball. I have AVN, a break down of blood flow to the joints, in my hips. Though, luckily, it does not cause me pain yet. I will get a monthly injection to see if we can reverse any of the damage. I was scanned again and they showed that the tumors in my lungs are growing. I have started chemo again but will be able to return to school. I will return once a month to get my chemo.
When I returned from my vacation it was of course time to be scanned. I can almost guarantee that when I am done with something really fun it is time to visit NIH. This would be one of my first experiences with this fact. The scans showed that there was a small change in the tumor in my glute muscle and that there was a tumor in my right lung. Of course this is not what anyone wants to hear after just having an amazing vacation...but it is our reality and we can't run away from it. This would be the first scan since my transplant in January and we were all hopeful that the transplant was my ticket free. This is one dip in the longest roller coaster I know. The plan would be to start this pill that would help with GVH, which is an effect of the transplant where my body fights my sister's cells, hopefully the pill will also have some tumor effect. I will return to school and get scanned again in September.
Though with a low, of course, always comes a high. It was time again for Camp Fantastic. This year was just as good as the first. I got to ride a hot air balloon for the first time. It was nice to see everyone I had met last year, campers and counselors. This is the first time they would see me with hair. Some of them didn't even recognize me, understandable. I was rejuvenated by the end of the week. Ready to take on anything life threw. It is amazing what camp does, and it is indescribable to people who are not there.
When I returned to school me and 4 of my girlfriends rented the most beautiful house in Frostburg. It was the perfect place to live. Close to campus, great deck, it looked a little victorian. I made new best friends in that house. I think looking back on it these were my most favorite years, living in this house. Nothing beats watching American Idol or Grey's Anatomy all at the same time in the living room. Our Holiday parties. I really would live in that house again if I had the chance.
I decided to play volleyball again. I can not just sit back and watch yet. Though from the first practice I could tell a difference. It took a little while to accept that I would not be the same player I was 2 years ago. I still was mentally the same player but my body was not quite there anymore. It was great to play with the girls again, though most of the girls I had played with as a Freshman had graduated. I was not able to play the last 2 weeks of the season...the most important part...because I was having lung issues. I remember very clearly sitting on the sideline at Penn State Behrend and not being able to do a thing about what was happening. We ended up tying for 3rd at the end of conference play. I had the privilege of being awarded Comeback Player of the Year for the Fall sports. There was a nice assembly and it made the whole season end on a great note.
I was put on a high dose of prednisone because of my lung issues. Doctors were afraid that it was GVH in my lungs, which is very serious. I was on the steroids for close to 3 months. My body swelled like that girl who ate the blueberry gum in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but my legs got very skinny. This was the most uncomfortable I had ever been. Again another low point on the roller coaster. This would rank in the Top 2 most horrible moments in treatment (number 1 happens a little more down the road). I have never been self conscious about my body and to have all these changes happen to it within such a short amount of time was unbearable. I always felt people staring at me...I would stare at me if I saw me walking down the street. Worst time ever!
My dog Chemo was the best purchase we could have made. He is 7 months now and I have taught him all sorts of tricks. He knows how to sit, roll over, shake with both paws, twirl in a circle, speak, and play dead. Amazing I know. He really helps this whole situation. Always there for a hug or a kiss, ready to play with anything that moves, and can put a smile on your face instantly on a bad day. Hopefully one day I will be able to get him to be a therapy dog; though he gets nervous around kids because they are always pulling on him or chasing him.
It is January 2006 now. Because I was on steroids so long I now have bone issues. I can no longer run, jump, or fall. These 3 things being vital to the game of volleyball. I have AVN, a break down of blood flow to the joints, in my hips. Though, luckily, it does not cause me pain yet. I will get a monthly injection to see if we can reverse any of the damage. I was scanned again and they showed that the tumors in my lungs are growing. I have started chemo again but will be able to return to school. I will return once a month to get my chemo.
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